I-n utero – joys, fears & choices

Reading Mad Momma’s, Maami’s Weblog, Vatsap & Lekhni’s notes on abortion triggered by Niketa & Haresh Mehta’s case brought back memories of similar experiences from my life many years back. I agree with what all the above have to say on this topic. I could so completely relate to the Mehta’s case only because of having gone through the exact same fear & agony while expecting Meg. I am definitely pro-choice but the mind works in strange ways when you are carrying your baby in your womb.

I was 16 weeks pregnant with Meg when I went in to the doctor’s office to give what they said was a routine Alphfetoprotein (AFP) test to check the fetus for Down’s Syndrome/Spina bifida. Little did I know the details of this simple blood test that was done during pregnancy. A few weeks later the OH & I were asked to come back to the doctor’s office for a consultation. It was then that the doctor explained to us that the AFP test that I had taken resulted being in the “gray” zone. When the doctor saw our baffled expressions, she went on to explain that based on the results there was a greater potential that the baby could be born with Down’s syndrome or suffer from Spina bifida. Just the thought that there could be something wrong with my baby was enough to put me in trauma.

The doctor then pointed out to us that we had 3 choices before we could make a decision. We could go for another AFP test, go for a Level II ultrasound to take an in-depth look at the spine of the baby to rule out Spina bifida or the most effective option per the doctor was to go for an Amniocentesis to rule out or confirm either of these birth defects. The doctor was placing these options to us because she wanted us to make a decision fairly quickly based on the results. Were the birth defects to be confirmed she wanted us to not be too late to decide on an abortion which she claimed could not be done post week 22. At this point I was 19 weeks pregnant and all the resources we went through claimed that the AFP test was only 50% accurate at 17 weeks and the accuracy declined as the pregnancy progressed. That in effect ruled out Option 1. The doctor strongly suggested Option 3 but all literature on amniocentesis led us to believe that the chances of a miscarriage was much higher. This one fact in itself was enough to freak me out. So we decided to follow Option 2, a Level II ultrasound.

By now I had felt the baby move inside me and in my mind the option of abortion was non-existent. I told the OH that even if the doctors confirmed the birth defects, I was not willing to go that route. The OH disagreed here. His argument was that knowing that this baby was destined to a life of suffering, he would not want to put that child through that agony. He tried convincing me that if it was just a matter of the burden on us to cater and take care of this child, then he was more than happy to give his life caring for her but since it was also going to be a life long struggle for this child, he did not want to put her through it when he had a choice to free her of that pain and suffering. Now had I not known how caring and sensitive the OH is, I would have been shattered by his thoughts. He claimed that he had to think that way since I could not be objective given that I could feel this baby living and breathing in me.

We decided to disagree and pursue Option 2 with the hope that the results would be better and put our minds at rest. My good friend was a Neonatologist who then got me an appointment with the clinic she was working at. I was taken in for a Level II ultrasound followed by an appointment with the doctor in the genetics department. The ultrasound was memorable for two reasons. The first being that given the circumstances, she had squeezed me into an appointment and so had to wait my time. Waiting is not very pleasant with a full bladder. When I told the assistant I couldn’t hold any longer, I was asked to use the restroom but pee just half the amount. The things you learn with pregnancy. The second reason being that the doctor who did the ultrasound was absolutely wonderful. He spent almost an hour looking at the fetus before he told the OH & me that he could see nothing wrong with the spine. He told us that he would be unable to give us any guarantees but reassured us that the best he could do was to put me in the same risk category as any pregnant woman. He also assured us that any defect at this point could be treated once the baby was born.

We then went on to meet the doctor from the Genetics department. Based on questions he posed to us on family history and medical history, he explained to us that the chances of our baby having Down’s Syndrome was 1 in 17,000 while the chances of dying in a car accident was 1 in 7,000. I guess there is some solace in probabilities and statistics. As for Spina bifida, he said there were no guarantees in life but according to him any issues at this point could be treated once the baby was born. He gave the OH & I time to think and come up with our decision. We tried to ask him what he would do, but unfortunately due to medical liabilities, he was unable to give us his thoughts and opinions. All he could do was place the facts in front of us to make an informed decision. Once we were alone, the OH & I felt pretty convinced keeping the baby (I guess I should say the OH was convinced since I didn’t consider any other option ever.) We communicated our decision tot he doctor when he returned and he agreed with our decision and told us that since we had made our decision, he was at liberty to tell us that he thought we made the right choice.

We communicated the same to my gynecologist and the next 20 weeks were spent part in fear, part in joy, part in prayers & part in eager anticipation. It was not until we saw a healthy baby did we put our fears to rest. It was such a pleasure to have a healthy baby that all the birthing & labor woes paled in comparison. In all honesty, I don’t know what path our decision would have taken had the results of the Level II ultrasound gone the other direction. I am glad it didn’t and I thank God everyday for giving us a healthy child.

The second time around, we wisely declined the AFP test when it was offered