Born & raised in a family of three girls, never once have my parents given us reason to feel that they missed having a son. Dad was always of the opinion that given more kids, his choice would always be more daughters. Dad grew up with just one brother who died when dad was in his teens. Having lost his mom at a very young age, he was overjoyed with his three girls and for some reason firmly believed that his girls are way more loving and will stay that way than any son he might have had.
I have forever enjoyed being a girl and never once has it ever crossed my mind that it would be any better being a boy. I pretty much grew up a tomboy and did everything for mom & dad that a boy would do in terms of physical activity. Mom & dad in turn raised us to be outgoing and taught us to go after what we strived for. Regardless of their financial situation they gave us the best that any child could ask for within the confines of what they believed was acceptable & affordable.
After we all left mom and dad’s home, we each landed in different parts of the world. Each of us got busy with our education and careers and mom and dad were happy in their world, knowing the kids were in a good place. Soon the kids happened and mom and dad have spent a good chunk of their days taking care of grandkids. They’ve spent a lot more of their time with us than they have in their own home.
Over the years, the OH’s parents shared the responsibility of raising our kids and alternated with my parents to visit & spend time with us. They now live with us year round except for occassional trips back home. Similarly my siblings also have their respective in-laws staying with them.
Where am I going with all this? Now we are at the point where the tides have turned so to speak and the parents as they age, need us and feel our absence more acutely. It is more often now than before that we hear mom mention how fortunate her sibling is to have her children living close to her and be instantly available to take them places, be it a doctor’s visit or a trip to the grocery store. As they age, they are losing their confidence to live by themselves and wish for the kids to be closer to them. They are torn between wanting to live by themselves and sharing a roof with their children especially since it isn’t affordable for them to live on their own in the country where we have made our living.
A recent surgery that dad had to undergo really made us uncomfortable about them living on their own as well. This prompted us to yet again reflect on the best place for them to live given that we all lived so far away from home. Midway throug these conversations, mom mentioned that they preferred to stay in their own home because it was hardly realistic for them to stay with us when each of us had our in-laws living with us. From mom’s perspective, it was nothing more than a statement and an absolute acceptance of our culture that the son’s parents get preference to living with the fruit of their womb than the daughter’s parents.
That was when I wondered and wished for the first time in my life that I were a son, that I had not just the wish, but the strong cultural justification to take care of them when they needed us the most, that we could go beyond the petty squabbles and co-exist as one family without the insignificant bickering that results from two sets of parents living together and dealing with their own set of insecurities. I wondered why as a daughter I had to make my choices while the OH could go through life not having to make any of these choices just be virtue of him being born a son? It is at such times that I wish I could drop it all in a moment’s notice and go back to being just their daughter and be there for them just like they have for me all my life.
I wonder, how does it help if a daughter is a daughter all her life if, she at times is forced to watch and accept what is dished out in the name of culture, society and norms? I silently resolve that when my turn comes, neither my daughter nor son will have to deal with this situation. I pray for the strength to make a life for myself and give them the freedom to make their choices without the baggage of culture and norms. I promise myself to let them fly, once I have given them the wings and the confidence to take off on their own. When they do come back, it will be out of no moral obligation.
Very heartfelt post. I hope you and extended your family are able to work something out.
Sand: Thanks Ra. Don’t know how much we can work things out. Such is life, I guess. I know that I will do my best to make the time to be there for them when they really need me!
Aww, your childhood sounds *exactly* like mine. I am struggling with exactly the same thing with my parents – they won’t consider staying with me permanently because I’m a daughter.
I hope you find a solution to the problem.
priya.
Sand: Thanks Priya. I knew we had a few things in common
I am sure there is some solution. Unfortunately I am just not seeing it or maybe I am looking for a solution that is a win for all and am not finding it!
I hope you can work something out too, Sand. I completely understand where you’re coming from.
Sand: Thanks Sujatha! I guess time will tell. The trickiest part is coming with a path that makes everyone happy.
I don’t know, but I always thought it was the wife’s parents who receive more preference. I’ve always heard that parents lose their sons once they get married, but that’s just what I’ve heard.
Sand: Lucy, that may be true is some cases mentally for the sons but culturally it is still the son’s parents would get the priority in such cases. Thanks for visiting!
Nice post. First timer to your blog. I do understand what you are saying.
I live in the US too and my folks in India, while inlaws visit us for 6 months every year. This year I have decided to go back and stay there with kids..so my parents will also have the opportunity to enjoy some time with their grandchildren.
My parents are financially independent but would love to have their children in a -anytime-visitable place (read India). I have heard of so many incidents of freinds and family (here in US) not being able to see their parents faces for one last time because they didn’t have the visa to get back to US or they couldn’t get the tickets; this thought is terrifying and one which makes me want to return to india.
Sand: SR, thanks for visiting. Keep coming. It is great that you are at a point where you can take the kids and stay there. It is hard for my husband to move at this point in his career and the kids have settled in here as well. My greateast fear is one that you mention here, which is not being able to be there for them when they need me. Since, visa is not a cause for concern in my case, I hope and pray that I will be a mere 20 hr flight away from being there when they need me. Being with grandparents is the best for the kids and they will love it
Wish you luck with your move.
I totally understand where you are coming from. I am one of two girls, no brothers. My parents are far from needing our financial or physical support (Thank god). But one day when they do need that, of course I want to take care of them, and my FH also wants to do that. I got very lucky in that he has never made it an issue about them moving in when they need to. However, he also wants to live with his parents from marriage onward. My parents would have a very very difficult time living with us, as it’s not their “right”, especially if his parents are with us. I think if and when that time comes, and if my sister cannot have them living at her house, I would look into the option of houses next door to one another, or on the same street. Good luck with your situation! Everything has a way of working itself out.
*** By “(thank god)”, I meant thank God they are healthy and self sufficient***
I got it. No worries
Thanks AP. Fortunately my parents don’t need us physically or financially today but what bug me is that since the OH’s parents live with me, there is no way I can bring them and neither can I find a house close by living where I do
Like you said everything has a way of working out 
Sands,
It’s a beautfiul post and made me cry! I’m an only child as well and living abroad. I passed on this beautiful post to all my girlfriends and each only responded in the affirmative citing that this thought crosses their mind every single day.
Though I look at the positive that I’m based in Dubai and can fly down in 2 hrs flat!
I chanced upon your blog via Sujatha’s. Went through some of your posts…heartfelt…keep writing:-)) and I must say saw the bridal pic and you have lovely lovely eyes!!!
Minal: Thank you for the lovely comments and for stopping by. It is awesome that you are just 2 hrs away from your parents. It mades me sad when my mom makes a comment occassionally that she completely understands our life out here and knows it is not practical for us to drop everything and be at their side when they need us. I just wish & pray for a better solution and promise myself each day that I will try my very best to drop it all to be with them when they do need me
Will do my best to keep writing!
came here from Rads..this is the first piece I read and it resonated so much with what Im going through now….my sibling and i live in different parts of the globe and my parents are in India, my IL’s live with us throughout the year, except for a break of a couple of months in between, when India beckons.
All this while i was ok with being a daughter, but there are times now, i wish only so they could come and live with us without thinking twice, that i was a son.. the last 2 paras were bang on.. i feel exactly the same.
i got all misty eyed when i read this post.. its so straight from the heart ,Sands..
thanks for such a lovely post, i hope you find a solution soon and sorry for a very long comment..
Sands: Thanks ajcl for the long and lovely comment. BTW are you sure you are not talking about my life?
Your life is identical to mine. I don’t know if there is ever a solution to this situation, that is a happy medium. The in-laws leave this week since India beckons and have told us they will be back in April. As for mom & dad, they just got back from my sisters home and are enjoying their stay at home. But the real trauma happens when they need our support 
Truly heart felt post ….
Sands, we are two sisters both in the US and my parents live by themselves. Growing up, though mom / dad never really denied us of anything nor did they verbally expressed anything about missing a son … but these days they seem to miss “someone” . People in India re socially conditioned to thinking sons are supposed to take care of parents, its hard for people in India to think otherwise. I really really want to be there for my parents when they need me… I hope I will be.
Sands: CA, I can totally see that. I know your wish will happen as will mine someday
Now I see them wanting to recreate their life before the three of us flew the nest 